Monday, July 19, 2010

OJ and a side of breakdown please

Day 1 of the Ease Out process, technically Day 11 of no food...I get ORANGES today! OJ for breakfast, lunch & dinner. Okay, and I sneaked 4 cantaloupe melon balls...I couldn't resist, I had to cut it open & dice it up before it went bad! Oh, and I had 2 pieces of spinach from James' salad tonight, haha. At least it's healthy 'cheats'. But really, I have to get my body used to food again, so a little here & there, soup is good.

Although today I broke down. I'm not sure if it was Kapri just being super clingy, or me having too much damn work to do on the the computer, or me just being grumpy/hungry/irritable from this whole cleanse...probably just a combo of all 3...but I lost it. Working from home on Mondays was sooo great in the beginning a few months ago, probably because I wasn't BURIED in work to do - so I could focus my time equally among both work & her. Anyway...she wants her mama. Who am I to deny her that? She wants to interact & play, not by herself all day, with cartoons on...trying to distract her from the fact that I needed to work. I felt like such a horrible mommy today...I mean, really crappy...I've never felt this bad, especially as I gently pushing her off my leg over, and over, and oooover as she clung to it, or threw her toy across the room after she threw it at me & at the computer about TEN times...then finally grabbed her arm & yelled "NO hitting mommy or the computer"! Normally I calmly say "Kapri honey, we don't hit, that hurts mommy/daddy/mika/etc....we give hugs in this house, not hits"....ahhhh, I wanted to scream & cry at the same time. Instead I just cried & called James. Of course he worked a little later than he normally does on Mondays...ah, anyway...I went & laid down in the quiet tanning booth for a bit after that, haha.

Anyway, I've officially decided that we need to look into a child care place locally, just for 4 or 5 hours on Mondays so I can get my much needed work done (not house work...WORK work). Plus, I feel okay about that decision because she needs to play with other kids. She LOVES kids. It's time. Let's just hope we can afford it...I'm scared to even find out.

Alrighty, I'm done for the night...gotta finish my frozen OJ slushy, it's sooooo good!


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