7 Stages of My New Butt
(I recently found this while flipping through the pages of the April 2010 Parents mag - I was LOL at this article, and thinking "SO true!" Naturally, I found it absolutely necessary to post it here and share with the world. Enjoy.)
"Adjusting to life with a baby is tough enough. But getting used to your post-pregnancy booty? Now that's a real challenge!"
Stage 1: DENIAL
This isn't a new butt. It's the same awesome butt you had the day you got married.
Stage 2: SHOCK
Well, it's technically the same butt, but for some reason it doesn't fit into the pants you wore last year - before you got pregnant. But there's no way your butt could be so drastically altered by having a baby. Could it? OMG!
Stage 3: ANGER
Fine. It's not the same butt. It has curves and divots and new places that sweat. It follows you wherever you go. Stupid, annoying butt and its stupid, annoying cellulite! Is it possible to get a restraining order to prevent it from stalking you?
Stage 4: DEPRESSION
No dice. It turns out you can't get a restraining order against your own body. And if you inquire about it people laugh at you. And that makes you cry. As do the elastic-waist pants you just bought, even though you are nine months postpartum. Those lying liars who said "nine months on, nine months off" must have gotten to keep their original cute butt.
Stage 5: GUILT
You are a grown woman. You know that women should be -- and are -- more than just hot bodies. You know objectification is cruel. You've fead the magazine articles that tell you how awesome you are. You created life. And yet...this butt. IT WON'T GO AWAY.
Stage 6: FEAR
You probably have "Flesh Expanding Butt Disease". It's very rare, but if you get FEBD your butt will eventually consume your entire body, preventing you from leading a normal life. There is no cure for this horrible ailment. Best to just go buy a bunch of sweatpants.
Stage 7: ACCEPTANCE
Right. So it isn't that bad, really. Your new butt does come with some nice features. It's easier to close the car door now. Your kids have something to hang on when you're at the grocery store. And your husband likes it. A lot. In fact, your new butt is kind of growing on you.